I was watching the weather on TV today and the weatherman announced that the sun was out, a gator saw its shadow and now we’re having six more months of summer.
There are just some things that I, a former north easterner, am having a hard
time getting used to!
Moving here has had many benefits, but it also requires some accommodation.
I don’t mind one bit that I’ve had to up my pedicure budget since my toes are no longer hidden inside warm winter socks. Getting a foot massage and my toes painted is a small price to pay for no longer having to buy, store and wear all those heavy winter clothes.
I no longer shriek if an iguana is found swimming laps in my pool, a falling coconut narrowly misses my head, or a lizard scampers across my bed sheets in the middle of the night. (Now a roach is a different matter.)
I have accepted that we have three seasons rather than four: warm, hot and hotter and that hurricanes bring refreshing bouts of cooler air, albeit, at 100 or more miles an hour.
But I simply can’t get used to Christmas in Florida.
My nose should be red from the cold, not sunburn. The Salvation Army person outside the supermarket should not be perspiring. And the sight of a woman in a skimpy bathing suit, standing on a ladder stringing up Christmas lights is just
wrong on so many levels.
But mostly, it’s the holiday music. The lyrics are completely out of sync with our
reality. Just think about poor Frosty the Snowman. Here, he’s in a life-and-death
struggle for survival, which, of course, he will ultimately lose.
I recommend that some of
our favorites be rewritten to more
authentically reflect the weather
outside, which is far from frightful.
I offer the following suggestions:
The first revision is to the song,
Oh Christmas Tree.
Oh humidity, oh humidity
You’re withering my
Silver Bells is much more
Silver shells, silver shells
It’s Christmas time in
This last change is to Winter
The a/c sings, are you listenin’
On my skin, sweat is glistenin’…
In the mean time, I’ll be humming Fa-la-la-la-la in Florida.
Susan Goldfein holds a doctorate in Communication Disorders from Teachers
College, Columbia University, and enjoyed a successful career as a clinician,
teacher, and consultant. For more essays filled with wit, wisdom and irony,
visit Susan’s blog, susansunfilteredwit.com. Her book, “How Old Am I in
Dog Years?” may be purchased on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com