By Patricia Finn
Let’s face it. There would be no celebration of Mother’s Day if we didn’t have children. That’s pretty straight forward. But what happens when our little darlings are grown? Role reversal is everywhere and it is out of control. Here’s one example.
Recently, I met my friend Kate at an outdoor café for a coffee chit-chat. She wanted me to meet her because she had to unload. This is what she said: “I have an interesting relationship with my adult children. I do everything they tell me to, and frankly I’m a pretty good kid. Daily, I walk the fine line between humiliation and humility. Humility – good. Humiliated – not so good.”
Kate’s daughter was scolding, scolding, scolding. “She had me on the phone for over thirty minutes and would not stop long enough for me to offer any type of defense. By the time she finished, I’d forgotten what I wanted to say. She was relentless. When will I ever get it right? It can be anything from sending an email to managing my finances. I don’t think I am going to change; why can’t she focus on my good points?”
This is not an uncommon problem. It seems to be everywhere. I overheard a woman from a different ethnic background say she was going to move out of her daughter’s house and into a tent on family land to escape the nagging. She had been invited to live with her daughter but after three months, her bags were packed, and she was ready to go.
Related: “The Loser’s Handbook: A Successful Failure”
How does this role reversal happen? It happens mostly to moms and especially to moms who no longer have a dad to filter the noise. Now that they are grown, our grown children want to be our parents. Well-meaning adults are parenting the parent.
Kate ended the call, “Well thanks for your input, I have to go, I’m about to crash into a tree.” I am a pessimist when it comes to solving family drama, but I did manage to give my friend some oh-so-wise advice.
First, I tried to soothe her hurt feelings by telling her she was a peacemaker. “Yes,” she sniffled, “But what makes it so tricky, is that the criticism is usually right. It’s valid, but maybe I shouldn’t have to hear it.” Always willing to comfort a friend, I offered, “Don’t worry, maybe you’ll go deaf.”
So, to the Kates of this world, I commiserate. I offer compassionate condolences, words of encouragement and a simple word of advice. When they scold, scold, scold: listen, listen, listen… but with the phone away from your ear. (Obviously, not something I have ever done.)
I also like the tent idea.
A final thought: to moms everywhere this Mother’s Day, may your children be kind. And remember, they may be adults, but are they ever really too old to spank?
