Many publications (including Lifestyles After 50) have a “personal ads” section for those in search of romance. Sometimes this section is as entertaining as the rest of the magazine or newspaper and can be an indicator of how society, in general, has progressed or deteriorated over the years, depending on one’s point of view.
In one ad found in a retirement community newspaper, the seeker used automotive terms to describe himself:
“Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new
parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.”
In another, a grandmother described
herself as “active, with original teeth seeking
a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.”
In this vein, I’ve given some thought to those in my own community and come up with some
“personal ads” I feel could be written by some of the residents. Their names shall remain anonymous to protect the innocent – like me.
PUTS LID DOWN
Social drinker who holds the door open and puts the toilet seat down
in search of a loose-lipped, gossip loving busybody to go to parties and
help spread rumors about his cheating ex-wife.
DATING FOR DOLLARS
Previous model, still attractive and physically fit, likes travel, expensive
jewelry, fine cars, plastic surgery and dining out. In search of older, health challenged, filthy-rich senior. Prefers those without children or other heirs.
RUDE CRUDE DUDE IN THE MOOD
Recently widowed, out-of-shape male in search of red-hot mama who enjoys baking casseroles, cleaning house, washing smelly socks and fetching beer. Must
be a non-complainer who doesn’t get their panties in a knot over non-stop
sports programming, cigar smoke, prickly beards and frequent bodily noises.
LET’S GO TO COSTCO
Blackbelt-level, bargain-hunting babe seeking a fun-loving foodie
companion to take advantage of senior discounts, attend early bird specials and spend endless hours feasting on free Costco samples. Must have Costco membership – mine is expired.
SO YOU THINK I CAN DANCE?
Former ballerina who still wears pointe shoes, tutus and a sparkly tierra seeks a muscular body-builder to massage her arthritic feet and pick her up when she screams, “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
MBW (Michael B. Wright) is a MBW (Muscular Bodybuilder Wannabe) and
RV (Retired Veteran) living in a RV (Retirement Village). Using a
MG (Magnifying Glass) he can decipher emails sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.