by Michael B. Wright
Well, we’ve taken another tour around the sun. New Years Eve is over now, as are the requisite hangovers, which should all have been gotten over by now. I’ve long since stopped allowing such festivities, as well as Peter Jennings, Regis Philbin, Ryan Seacrest and other Dick-Clark-wannabees to interfere with my sleep, which I value much more than headaches, grogginess, dog-breath and regrets.
The most important thing about this month is that at 3:38 pm on January 29, I will be 82 years old. (Tom Selleck will have preceded me at 8:22 in the morning.)
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What I am having trouble comprehending, is what is this young man doing in this old man’s body? I can do most everything I’ve always done, only it’s either a little bit slower or it’s in my imagination.
The most unusual thing I’m experiencing is the fact that a lot of my close friends have died, even though many of them were much younger than I am. It just doesn’t seem fair somehow, but then I’m certainly glad to be here so I don’t dwell on it for any length of time.
That being said, I think this is a good time for Volume III of “I’m So Old That:”
- I’m so old that I remember when Buster Crabbe portrayed not only Tarzan but also Flash Gordon and Captain Gallant of the Foreign Legion.
- I’m so old that I remember when the neon McDonald’s signs first read “Over 1,000,000 sold.”
- I’m so old that I remember when individuals were the subject of gender-reveal parties only once in their life.
- I’m so old that I remember when women got engaged, then married, then pregnant.
- I’m so old that I remember when Liberty Mutual commercials were both entertaining and funny.
- I’m so old that I remember when music & singing were a regular part of the daily school curriculum, not an elective.
- I’m so old, I remember being taught music with the aid of a plastic flute called a “Tonette.”
- I’m so old that I remember when wings were the garbage part of the chicken that got thrown away.
- I’m so old that I remember when arguments and differences were settled “after school, in the parking lot.” (Only fists were permitted.)
- I’m so old that I remember if you dropped your lunchbox you could kiss your thermos goodbye.
Mike knows that you kids have a lot of “I’m So Old That’s” of your own. Please feel free to share them at micwrighthamo@gmail.com. He needs the material.
